These names are one step closer to the Sweet 16.
The first round of the Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament is always the easiest. No significant rifts have been formed in the Pride of Detroit family because whoever creates the seeding for this tournament is a relative genius (relative to everyone else doing NFL-related name bracket tournaments). We only had one considerable upset, and that was only because voters are completely wrong.
But now things will turn more contentious. We have slimmed the list to the 32 best names on the roster, which means some clashes are ahead. You think the arguments about Matthew Stafford and Jared Goff this offseason have been bad? Wait until you’ve got to pick between John Penisini and Levi Onwuzurike.
So buckle up. Things are about to get testy here.
1. Amon-Ra St. Brown vs. 9. Randy Bullock
This will be Amon-Ra St. Brown’s first challenge at the NFL level. That name is elite in college, but it’s a whole different ballgame in the pros, as he’ll soon find out.
And, unfortunately for St. Brown, he may have to deal with a bunch of bitter, spiteful people from England who are still sour over Sunday’s EURO 2020 results. If my calculations are correct, they are all going to migrate to this site today and vote on a silly player’s name that means “horny bull” in their British slang (not, “balls,” like I said last week. That’s “bollocks,” not Bullock.
5. Charlie Taumoepeau vs. 4. Shaun Dion Hamilton
I’ve already soured on both of these names. As a writer, it’s simply too much work to type out these names. If either player locks onto the team and ends up being a multi-year contributor in Detroit, I plan on suing them for carpal tunnel syndrome.
That being said, I do still like saying “OU-mo-PAY-uh.”
6. Da’Shawn Hand vs. 14. Jeff Okudah
Jeff Okudah had the upset of the first round, taking down three-seeded D’Angelo Amos by just five votes total. Take a look:
He’s keeping the Nigerian representation in this tournament high, and he’s got a nice draw here with the overseeded Da’Shawn Hand in his second-round matchup. Now in his fourth tournament, Hand is considered an old veteran with not much flash and flare. Every Hand pun has been made. The apostrophe game is more than played out at this point. At this point, Hand may want to consider retirement from the tourney. He had his runs.
10. Kevin Strong vs. 2. Penei Sewell
Kevin Strong pulled off a first-round upset over Javon McKinley, which just goes to show you that even the simplest of novelties will please some of you. This is his third name bracket. “Strong,” ironically, doesn’t carry the weight it used to.
Of course… as I pointed out last week, Sewell literally translates to “Sea Strong.” So what do you want: Strong or Sea Strong? As much as I secretly believe sea salt is some sort of scam co-opted by Big Caramel, it is undeniably better than regular salt. So Sewell should win in a landslide.
1. John Penisini vs. 8. Trey Flowers
You know what they say, Penisni showers bring Trey Flowers. [Editor’s note: no one says this.]
5. Dedrick Mills vs. 4. Levi Onwuzurike
Dedrick Mills and Levi Onwuzurike have more in common than you may think. Both first names start with the same long-E sound. That’s right, it’s only only “lee-vie” (not “leh-vee”), but it’s “dee-drick” (not “dead-drick”). Dee-drick is a game-changer here in what would have an easy win for Onwuzrike, and it leads me to a completely unrelated, but equally important question: Who is the better Dee-Dee: The sister from “Dexter’s Laboratory” or the Dee Dee Twins from the Batman universe. Please vote:
Okay, I guess you should vote on the names, too.
6. Alize Mack vs. 3. Godwin Igwebuike
I owe an apology to Alize Mack and all Alize Mack fans out there. In Part 2 of the Name Bracket Tournament, I criticized the player for pronouncing his name in a way that I deemed unacceptable. As it was quickly pointed out, “al-ih-zay” is not only a common pronunciation, it is the exact pronunciation of a popular line of alcoholic drinks. I’ve never had Alizé, but it basically looks like flavored vodka. If you’re drinking flavored vodka when you can legally buy other alcohol, you’re doing it wrong.
Anyways, I said I owed an apology, so here it is: I’m sorry I never drank this crappy alcoholic drink that would’ve made me pronounce Alize Mack in a weird—but correct—manner.
Just vote Igwebuike, because it’s actually fun to say.
7. Jermar Jefferson vs. 2. Ifeatu Melifonwu
Jermar Jefferson won the War of Js by downing Jonah Jackson in the first round. However, even the power of the double Js is not likely enough to tackle the glorious litany of vowels that is Ifeatu Melifonwu. If his brother, Obi, wasn’t already in the NFL, Ifeatu would be a one seed and a favorite to win this whole damn thing. I still expect a deep run from the Lions’ third-round pick, though.